Friday, August 19, 2016

Letters To My Boys: "I Love You So Much"

Dear boys,
The both of you have been getting along quite well. You do squabble a bit, but eventually you'd be wrestling and laughing together again. You are both more 'connected' now, maybe because Darren is getting older and is able to grasp and understand more things now.

Daniel, you were into Clash of Clans, an apps game. You were quite hooked on it that it rang my maternal alarms. I didn't want you to get addicted, so I tried to control your gaming time. And then you stopped playing it. I was relieved. But then a new apps game got your attention. I have to say, Crisis Action really caused some crises at home. You'd become really angry when triggered by something small and unexpected, and you'd cry for an hour non-stop. This was a very very unusual and worrying behaviour. Nothing I said or did could make you stop crying. It was almost like trying to comfort a colicky baby. I thought it was part of growing up, you know, the hormones and such. I even thought you were possessed. Not kidding. I was scared, and frustrated. These outburst episodes happened 4 times within 2 months. I prayed for you to calm down, I prayed for answers. But every time I ask you about it the next day, you would say "I don't know". But eventually you revealed that you were scared of me taking away your Crisis Action game forever. This made me even more worried because no one should cry for an hour over a game. I didn't want that kind of unhealthy addiction. And then you had an outburst again. It was very bad. You cried for more than an hour, with screaming. I screamed at you. You screamed more. I left you to cry until you fell asleep. You missed lunch. Then you woke up and cried again for an hour. I didn't know what to do. You were unconsolable. I almost took you to see a doctor... or a priest. Gosh it was stressful. This was not what an 11 year old boy would do, I thought. Eventually, you 'woke up' from the tantrum. Dazed and jaded. And one day, I asked you about it again. I told you that if you couldn't say it, write it. And you wrote a letter to me. I'm not going to say the content here because I promised you not to tell anyone. But I do feel what you feel. It isn't fair. The youngest siblings always get their ways and it can be provoking. I am glad though, that you said I treated you fairly. I always make the conscious effort to do that. After that letter, the crying episodes stopped. I guessed you felt better after pouring out your heart. I wish you will continue to pour your heart out to me, even after you are all grown up. I will always listen and be here for you.

Darren, you are growing up so fast that it scares me how I will miss your babyness. Everyday, you say "I love you so much". Out of nowhere. Or when I'm doing mummy things like towelling you down after a bath or bringing you snacks. I wish this will last forever.

It makes me very happy to see you both happy and getting along.

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