Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Of worries and anxieties

I didn't really talk much about how things were during the Movement Control Order ever since it was implemented, and my emotional state until now.

I embarked on a new role, in a new company in December last year and within the first week, I reported peace and joy. I was free from the negativity and lack of motivation from my previous workplace. I was extremely lucky to get the new job. There was renewed hope in the security of my future.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic induced our MCO. I was allowed to work from home since then. It was a new experience, not only for myself. So I shouldn't feel alone right. As I slowly discovered after getting used to working from home, I don't like it!

I don't like to formally work in my own home. This is because my home is associated with relaxation and artistic creativity, a place I let go of my formal work. But now, the two contrasting elements have to merge and I just can't accept it. I thought it is a matter of getting used to it, but it has been 6 months and I'm starting to have aversions to science research and to my craft hobbies. My lifelines!

I started to feel stressed at the end of April. That stress was not related to working from home I think. It had to do with being not knowledgeable enough for my role. Not good enough. I didn't like 'studying' all the time now. I just want a routine support-based job where I focus on earning a stable income work at site, and can totally let go when I'm at home. Now, I can't totally let go of work at home because my home is my workplace.

Then I started to have temptations to quit working in Singapore. Again. I just wanted to cut it. Waiting for updates on the Johor-Singapore border was killing me. It was another stress factor. If I work in JB, this wouldn't even be in my worry list, which was growing by the day.

I was demotivated. I needed a sense of permanence. Something which I can do for the rest of my life without worrying, even if it takes a huge paycut. I imagined how blissful I would be if I have a job here in JB. No more Causeway jam angst, no more daily long commuting hours.

Sometime in May, I was subtly hit with moments of darkness and despair, and also anxiety mini-attacks. And occasionally I would get hit, stronger each time. But I would still have my usual good inspirational mood in between.

Those moments of darkness and despair was something I had felt before when I was working in my previous company. But this time it is a bit different, perhaps coupled with the uncertainty related to the pandemic. It is a very scary feeling I tell you. I couldn't control it. I couldn't shake it off. It just clung to me like the black venom. I was paralysed with fear at some point. There was no peace in my heart, only anxieties. Now, I feel better, hopefully with less moments of darkness. But I still feel a background anxiety which is I can't get rid off.

So why don't I just quit if it is making me so unhappy?
You can probably guess right. The main reason for working in Singapore is the exchange rate, not to mention, more job opportunities than JB. And financial security is important to me at this time.
I became obsessed about settling my home and car loan in the fastest possible time. It will take years, not months, and I am getting impatient and frustrated. This is an unhealthy relationship with money, isn't it. We can never be financially independent. Besides the loans, there are still basic monthly expenses to take care of. But if I could settle my most major loans, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and seriously consider looking for a job in JB then! OH I CAN'T HARDLY WAIT!!

There is hope. And there is prayers. I will keep going until I can't go on no more.