April 7th

I had the loveliest dream that morning before I woke up for work. I was carrying an adorable little baby, maybe a couple months old. I didn't get a clear facial view, but oh, my baby was the cutest little mushy thing ever.

I think it was the most wonderful gift from God. A dream. The only closest reality I can have with the one who got away. This was not something I imagined or consciously created, but given to me in the form of a dream.

I told two close friends, and one of them suggested I light a candle for him. And so I did.

I didn't say anything to the husband. I don't know why, but I get the feeling that he will just brush it off and say things like "Aww, it happened so long ago, don't think about it anymore ok?"

That's the thing with loss and grief. People around you tells you to cheer up and 'don't think about it anymore' because it makes one sad. I know they mean well. They want you to be happy and not mull over sad things. Those who has not lost an unborn baby will never ever know how it really feels. How it feels after one month. How it feels after one year. How it feels after 5 years. Let me tell you. 

It feels the same. That empty space that was created for him, will never be filled. It is like his room.  Once in a while you open the door to that room, it looks exactly as it was left.

Anyway, the husband went out for mahjong. I was disappointed but I couldn't say anything. What a torture. Well, it is not a date I expect him to set a reminder on his phone calendar anyway. I just didn't want to make it like it's a big deal, though it feels big to me. Oh shut up Ally.

Peace.