I was a mouse back then.
I am different now. You know, all grown-up and capable of getting pissed off. Being mid-thirties has something to do with it, and also having children. My nerves get stepped on almost everyday. Yes there are precious moments everyday but there are also fire moments, mostly small fires, but once in a while you get those big fire moments especially during PMS. On times I lose it, I glare and I speak angrily. I have never hit them ( I pray I will never do) but I have done some pretty harsh things and most of it were on Daniel because he is the first child, the trial-and-error-child.
When he was around one, he got into a crying fit and I plonked him on the bed, but I felt like I threw him on the bed. Then his cry became different. It was the what-the-hell-happened kind of cry. I let him cry but my heart was wrenched but on fire at the same time. I couldn't understand and accept his crying fit. I think all mothers go through this phase with the firstborn. The stress, the uncertainties, the misunderstandings, the frustration.
I thought those days will end when he becomes older. Apparently children don't stop driving you up the wall. Last year, Daniel pushed some really wrong buttons and I lost it. I dragged him by his t-shirt collar (he was walking along, not dramatically dragged on the floor) and put him outside my front door, closed it and let him wail. I didn't care about disturbing my neighbours because I've heard wails coming from their houses as well, maybe same punishment method. Angry mothers unite! Heh heh.. And so I let him cry it out and then when he more or less settles down, I ask him some questions and by then he'd be ready to explain why he cried or why he did what he did.
Cuddles.
Last night, I yelled at Darren. I was cranky, he was demanding. And the cutest thing happened. In his scrunched up face, he cried, "Mummy angry! Mummy shouting! UAAAAAAAAA" running off to Daniel who quickly ushered him away in the hush-hush-don't-provoke-mom manner. Oh my heart. I feel bad after getting angry at them. But sometimes they really deserve some black face. And studies have shown that children actually loves to be disciplined. They feel loved! I think deep down they feel that if you get so mad at them, it means you really care about them. Like getting fueled-up attention 100 fold. Hahaha.
I am still learning how to control my anger, because there are just so many types, on different levels. But what scares me is that Daniel mimics me when Darren pisses him off. The same brows, the same lips, the same glare and same tone! Aaarrrghh. I have to really brush up on controlling my outbursts. I don't want to teach them that it's ok to lose your temper whenever you feel like it. But at the same time I want to teach them how to express their feelings and not bottle it up inside. Oh why is this so difficult.
It is a long and arduous journey, but filled with joy, pride and many magical moments.
Since we're on the topic of anger...
1. Children's book on anger. I've read it once to Daniel during our bedtime story session. I think I should read this more often.
2. What To Do When You Made Someone Angry
Smile!
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