Traffic Police and the Sweet Innocent Lady

This morning, as I cruise slowly through the first traffic light junction, in line with other cars, heading to the JB checkpoint, the Ops Sikap traffic policemen were waiting at the notorious spot. The light was amber the last I saw. I was stopped. License and ID requested.

"Miss, you tak nampak lampu merah?" (You didn't see the red light?)

"Saya nampak lampu kuning" (I saw amber)

"Lampu dah merah la. You lalu saja. Ni kena saman ya" (Light was red already, you went on. This has to be summoned ya)

"Ya"

"Saman ni. Tiga ratus ringgit." (Summon you know, three hundred ringgit)

"Ya"

"You kerja kat Singapore ya" (You work in Singapore?)

"Ya"

"Kerja apa?" (what do you work as?)

"Makmal" (lab)

"Apa?" (What?)

"Makmal"

"Apa?"

"Makmal"

"Apa? Tak dengar la"

"MAKMAL"

"Apa? Makmal?"

"Ya"

"Ni kena saman ni" (I issue you summon ya)

"Ya"

Walks to the front to 'copy' my car plate number.

"Saman 3 ratus ringgit tau. Sebab ni Ops sikap, tak boleh rayu, kena bayar 3 ratus ringgit" (This summon will cost you three hundred ringgit. And because this is Ops sikap, no appeal can be made, have to pay 300 ringgit)

"Ya. Bayar mana?" (Yes. Where do I pay?)

"Mana-mana la boleh. You nak kena saman ni?" (anywhere. you want this summon?)

"Ya, saman la" (Yes, issue me the summon)

"Betul ni, nak kena saman?" (really, you want this summon?)

YES LA JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING SUMMON TICKET WHICH I RATHER PAY THROUGH MY BLEEDING NOSTRILS THAN GIVE YOU MONEY TO BUY MORE CIGARETTES YOU TWO-FACED LEATHER-SKINNED CORRUPTED VERMIN!

OK, I did not say that.

"Ya, saman la" (Summon me)

Pause.

"OK la, I kesian you. I bagi warning. Lain kali jangan buat lagi. I tak saman la" (OK, I pity you. I'll just give you warning. Don't do it again. I'm not issuing you a ticket)

"WOO HOO, YOU BEST LA ABANG OFFICER"

OK, I did not say that.

Tips for possibly squirming your way out from being issued a traffic offense ticket:
1. Look sorry. Look apologetic. Look remorseful.
2. When asked or told about being issued a ticket, accept sincerely. Like you deserve it.
3. Don't explain much. Don't even get friendly and do the chit-chat thingy. Just look like you're in deep thoughts. Wait for the ticket. Getting friendly means you want to haggle the price.
4. Sneeze. Look like you're having a mild cold. Or allergy.
5. Imagine the moment you found out that you lost your job, found out you're pregnant and you don't know who the father is, and that last pair of Manolo black heels you're been eyeing on was just sold during a 70% off Sale. Practice this look when the officer is not watching. He will know because his colleague would've noticed you and he'll probably tell him "Eh, tengok tu, kesian dia merana. Lepaskan je"

Works best if you're a petite lady who looks like you're about puke, like me.