Monday, November 06, 2006


It felt like a lifetime since I touched My Preeeccioouuus (my ibook, not something else of the place-the-sun-never-shines kind).
The latest cause of death is: Denied of Internet Access

The words death and die are very sensitive lately. Some people don't like to say those words at all, they always substitute it as "If SOMETHING happens to him/her" or "If he/she... *silence and the you-know-what-i'm-trying-to-say look*" It's like a taboo, if you say the word, it'll happen! Or maybe it just hurts a lot to associate death and a loved one.

First of, my MIL's condition is under control. There were many challenges and hurdles that kept coming the past few days that it seemed like the end was coming. But fortunately, she fought on. Lupus is one of those rare condition that you hardly hear of, but if you have it, treat it VERY seriously. Like heart disease, it is a silent killer, because there is no apparent signs until it hits your kidneys and lungs, the two most commonly affected major organs. At the initial stage, lupus may manifest itself as arthritis-like symptoms, aches and joint pains that may be thought as unevitable old-age condition. And if left untreated, it can lead to many complications, kidney failure being one of them. Bad news to women, 99% of lupus cases are usually suffered by women.

When I was stepping into the Hospital Tuanku Jaafar in Seremban for the first time, I felt nervous, like the time I had to sit for my ABRSM piano examinations, or the time I was waiting in the labour room for The Moment. I was preparing myself of what I was about to see. I had to control my emotions. I was imagining a typical ICU scene like those you see on TV, and trying to make it as dramatic as possible so that when I do see the real thing, it won't feel so bad. Also, another thing was the smell. The smell of a hospital. The horrid smell of pain and sorrow.

I almost burst into tears when I held her cold swollen hand. This is something you don't ever want to see happening to your loved ones and friends. Ever.

It was a rather painful and scary sight. And it's very real. There's literally tubes everywhere, and I don't think I'll describe in detail here. The first thought was "How the hell did it get so bad like this". The other patients in the ICU are either major accident or cancer cases, but lupus?! So like I said, treat it VERY seriously. She was given sedatives as a normal procedure for using the ventilator/respirator machine, so most of the time, she is 'sleeping'. But we were encouraged to talk to her because she could still hear. Isn't the brain an amazing organ or what? I once heard somewhere that there are 7 levels of consciousness. I am probably at level 1 because I don't know what I'm doing most of the time!!

I chatted and sang to her, rubbed her feet and watched her vital readings. Usually after 10 minutes or so, the nurse reminds visitors to keep to the visiting time limit. That was all we could do. In and out we went, taking turns to watch her, the entire day. And Daniel could only hang out at the corridor outside the ICU because misi said "Ini budak kechik tak boleh masuk ya"

Daniel was there as a hugging cushion. This was the time everyone needed a hug or something to rest their weary head on, or just someone to kiss and coo. He also took away their worries and painful thoughts now and then. This is the joy a child brings to the world. That same evening, he whacked my knee with a cane accidently, that resulted in a painful swollen knee for 2 days. Oh yes, painful swollen unbendable knee+squat toilet=M I S E R A B L E urine-shooting-everywhere encounters.
I should've taken a picture to show you how bad it was... but nothing could be as bad as what my MIL is going through now. So I'm not going to be a crybaby.

I cooked dinner on two consecutive nights. I used her kitchen like it was my own, for the first time. But I can never replace its mistress. The soup I make is never as good as hers. Nothing I do will be the same as the way she does them. Well, this is what I think my father-in-law probably thinks. But I held my head high, and I served my dishes with pride.

To be continued...


Kean Hong said...

hope your MIL recover soon....

Angeline said...

Hi dear
Eh My legs are always very painful and achy since i was a kid, I wonder if I will get lupus too one day...paranoia, paranoia.

Aiyoh poor you. Hope your knee get better soon.

Anonymous said...

Hope everything will be OK soon.