Husbands in Bed

What I'm about to say, has probably happened to many married ladies out there at some point of their married life. Some keep to themselves and carry on with their daily lives, some joke about it.

Last night, the husband and I were chatting a bit in bed before sleep. I had this uneasy feeling I didn't know why. We talked about some usual bla bla stuff and then came to the topic of Tiger Woods and cheating. There was a pause for a while. Then out of the blue, he said in a low guilty tone,

"I'm sorry"

Silence. My heart skipped a beat.

Then it hit me. HARD.

THE STINKIEST MOST CONCENTRATED PUNGENT MIND-DIZZYING FART.

Oh, the uneasy feeling I had was probably from the chilli fries, chocolate ice cream, bread, prunes and keropok I had simultaneously.

I Forgot...

... I have a blog. Thank you placenta brain.

Like they say, second trimester is the best time of a pregnancy. I was up and about, crafting a lot, made wedding invites, cooked a bit, decorated my home a bit, ate a lot, gained some good weight, man, I wanted to do everything!

My favourite part is the eating bit. I have never had ravenous appetite before. The unpregnant me wished to eat a lot, but somehow I just can't. Now, I see cheesecake, I wallop. I can really eat and I love it!! In fact, during my 5th month, I gained 5 kg within a month or less. I was like "WOO HOO! COWABUNGA!" but the doctor was concerned about the rapid gain. Damn! Spoiler.

I'm entering the third dimension... I mean trimester. It feels heavier and heavier. Getting up from sitting position now requires 2 million calories and 50 billions ATPs ( energy compounds for those who forgotten their Biologi ), bullshit by the way, but it DOES feel like that. The human body is amazing don't you think.

I have to sleep early too. By the time I say '...and the dragon lived sadly alone, forever and ever. The end ", I konk out before Daniel has the time to ask me why this bedtime story sucks. Speaking of bedtime, my bedtime ritual is rubbing cocoa butter all over my belly. Nice. From previous experience, it helps with the itching and dryness.

Lately, the fetus has been hiccuping. So cute. If you're curious, here's why:

"...only more mature fetuses hiccup in the womb because their central nervous system is adequately developed in order to allow this to happen. It is believed that the fetus breathes in amniotic fluid or drinks it. When this happens and the amniotic fluid enters and exits the fetus lungs then the diaphragm contracts and hiccups results. Fetal hiccups appear to be extremely normal ..."

What else... ah, contractions. Do not panic! They're just Braxton-Hicks, they come and go now and then, few times a day. It feels like a tightening of the belly, like a 'practice contraction' or toning of the uteral muscles in preparation of labour. This also means, I should drink more water and sit down for a while...

..and the use 50 billions ATPs to get up.

Orgasmic Childbirth

NOT kidding.

During my last check-up, last weekend, I asked my gynae if I have to deliver by Caesarean again this time. My impression on private practices are that they go for shortcuts and we pay for them big-time. I was surprised he said that I could try for a natural birth. I was a candidate for VBAC! (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) The thought of walking right after delivery was appealing to me!

Then I started to get nervous, like any new mother-to-be would, because this would feel like my first childbirth. Though my body went through labour (painless) and I was half-way dilated, I never get to deliver a baby like what Nature intended us to. I think I can handle pain quite well, but I also tend to panic easily and then 'freeze'. What if I can't handle the pain at the most crucial moment?!! WORST, what if my scar tears open during the process?? (Uterine rupture, can cause maternal and or fetal death, are you scared are you scared). This is the risk of VBAC, though reportedly at a low percentage. But still there's a percentage. Aren't we all part of statistics? I hate statistics.

So, I started scouting around for VBAC information, leading to natural childbirth experiences, leading to.... jeng jeng jeng... this weird trend of birth perception. ORGASMIC childbirth.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I can't really describe it much because as the name implies, it is a painless but pleasurable mind-blowing ecstatic childbirth.
Here are some testimonials and excerpts from a site:

"Many mothers experience a burning or splitting sensation as the largest diameter of the baby's head passes through the birth outlet. Some actually experience orgasm."
-From Mind Over Labor, by Carl Jones, C.C.E.

".....The sensation of my daughter's body sliding out of my vagina was orgasmic. I still shudder when I think of how pleasurable that was."
-Caroline S.

"A woman in California was giving birth at home in a portable birth tub and feeling very sexy and loving with her partner. Each time she had a contraction she would cry out, 'Oh, baby, I love it. More...more!' Her windows were open because it was July, and soon a crowd gathered outside her home. When the baby was born amidst shouts of 'Yes!!! Yes!!! Oh, my God, yes!!!' her neighbors gave her a great round of applause. They only realized that it was a birth after they heard the cries of a baby."
-From Gentle Birth Choices, by Barbara Harper, R.N.

Sounds crazy. Is this really the best-kept secret? Is it... POSSIBLE??? Those ang mohs really full of ideas. They do homebirths where they sit in a bathtub during labour and birth. Do Malaysians do that I wonder? I know in some rural kampungs, they have midwives to assist the birth at home, but we city folks just go into the hospital, get epidural, or not, and get hooked onto tubes and monitors on fancy birthing beds or go straight to the operating room. Modern times.

No, no, don't get me wrong, I don't want a homebirth. But I'm attracted to the idea of having a labour coach, and midwives, and of course a doctor in case something happens, in a hospital setting. Support is what a labouring woman needs. And maybe... an orgasm. LOL.

Time Flies

With the end of the year approaching, I always think of you, all my dear friends. From my Convent schoolmates, to my UPM buddies. Wherever you are, I hope you are all happy, and doing alright, well-fed, well-clothed, and comfortable.

This year, I have so much to thank for. Everything is good that it worries me that it's too good to be true. And I'm sometimes convinced that good things, or even bad, never lasts. So I should never take things for granted. And always be ready for your worst nightmare because you never know when or if it will happen.

I'm a bit pensive recently, something like in a reflection mood, that's why I'm writing this. Perhaps I've been reading the newspaper everyday and there are kids and people dying, freak accidents, illnesses and terrible things that happen to good normal folks like you and me. As much as I believe in fate and destiny, I can't help by ask why did these tragedies happen, and why fucktards are the ones alive and terrorizing others and this supposedly peaceful world.

OK, someone please slap me.

Tera Thai @ JB

Looking for fine Thai-dining in Johor Bahru? We got it.
Tera Thai at Jalan Abdul Samad. The old colonial government bungalow converted into a BEAUTIFUL cozy restaurant with authentic delicious Thai cuisine. Seriously good.






Starters for the set lunch. I didn't take any pictures after that because I was dizzy with spiciness.


My aunt got a treat right after lunch. A free promotional 10 min Thai massage.

The Spa.

A Tease Boy

The 20-plus-th week scan which is also called an anatomy scan was exciting. My 'replacement' gynae is a thorough one.

Sometimes, I'm really amazed at the doctors who could really read an ultrasound scan of a fetus. The doctor could see the nose and the lips of the baby's face and I'm like... HUH, what did I miss? What is that shadow? What is that thingy moving?

I'm also amazed at how he could zoom in to view the beating heart, and all its chambers and walls. The spine was easy to see of course. Then we looked at the diaphragm the tissue muscle separating the thorax and the abdomen. All is well.

Then, jeng jeng jeng. I wasn't really hard up to know about it, but E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E has been asking me to the point that it made me curious too. The thighs were close together at first.

"Oh, ooo, could be a girl" Doctor made a guess.

And then, this baby is such a teaser, the legs actually slowly opened at that moment to reveal his you-know-what. It was a funny moment. Definitely a boy. Unless that's the umbilical cord. Or maybe an obscene finger gesture.

What a thrill. Everyone hoped I'd have a girl. Isn't this natural? Well, I think it's a still blessing. A child is a gift indeed.

One week At Home

SO.

My wonderful helper tita is in Philippines this whole week for a short vacation, so am I. At home. But I'm still sorta working. I have 50 wedding invites to finish, and other than that, I must say I have obsessively done some items for my etsy shop and for Nature Recipes.
Some of my favourite things for now.





Packaging packaging packaging.

Just a weekend

Baby2 has been moving quite furiously. Maybe it's because I'm a kanchiong spider today. So many things I want to do! From labwork to my craft projects.

I've been given a corner space to display and sell my handmade knick-knacks! This natural product-themed shop is in Permas, and I've yet to visit it. Now my ideas keep pouring in and all I need is time. Pouches, bags, noteboooks, notecards, gift tags, calendars, all need to be rushed for the Christmas season. More hand-printing, gocco-ing (I HAVE to blog about this), stamping and sewing. I need my clones!



Weekend was gorgeous.
Lontong. Sedap.


My backyard. Josie planted ladies finger... they're sweet and have big seeds. The chillies get eaten by rats.


Wash crabs, steam crabs, eat crabs. Not me though. That's not Josie ya, that's my aunt from To-kee-yo.

Mine is Longer

The other night, at bedtime, D brushed his little fingers across my eyelashes left to right, right to left, left to right, right to left.

Then he felt his own eyelashes and said , "Mine is longer".

Shit, it's true. I hate him.

***



Another design coming up soon, slightly different. I have stuff to make, guests visiting and D's graduation 'concert' coming up this weekend. Crazy!

Love Making...

...stuff.



How to Make Ally's Potato Salad
1. You boil some potatoes. With or without skin, up to you. Without the skin, you might risk making potato soup if you forgot to switch off the fire after 3 hours.
2. Let the boiled potatoes cool down. Then peel the skin off.
3. MASH the potatoes.
4. Add mayonnaise. Preferably a good brand like Kraft or Japanese ones. This makes the difference. Not too much, not too little. You gotta judge for yourself here.
5. Add some salt and pepper. More pepper for me please.
6. MIX.
7. Add Japanese cucumber, they are sweeter and have less seeds. Chopped or small quarter slices.
8. Add chopped small red onions.
9. OPTIONAL: You may add chopped hams if you like.
10. Mix again. Store in fridge and serve cold ala Samantha Jones for Valentine's surprise in Sex and the City Movie .

Have fun.

Straits View in a view

A lot is happening at the southernmost part of Malaysia.
Flyover in the process. The grey building in the background is the new-ish Thistle that replaced Hyatt.


Extending the coastal line at Lido and Straits View. If Singapore did it, we should do it too. Soon, Singapore and Johor will be just 5cm apart if we keep extending our coastal lines.

***

This week, after 2 months of an uncomfortable first trimester, I was able to finally sew something. A customized pouch for a wedding couple.



LOADS to do! Daniel's BJ Loves Giving Love story scrapbook, planners, calendars and printing. I'm going to fry myself this weekend.

Craft Mojo

It's back. I want to DO something. Sew, cut, paste, stamp, design, anything! I look at my sewing machine and my craft corner eagerly but I have yet to do anything solid. Too many ideas too little time!

Gosh, it feels good to be close to normal again after the horrendous first trimester. Now, I have an obvious baby bump. I'm wearing my maternity pants from today onwards. I'm still belching now and then from a bit of reflux, but it's waaaay better than before this. I have felt the baby's kicks and movements, though not very frequent so I'm wondering if this is a less active baby than D. Maybe it's still too soon to tell.

In the meantime, I'll see what I can produce this week.

School Project

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the word 'scrapbook' in D's newsletter for parents. We're to create a story and make it into a scrap book to be submitted in two weeks. We gotta ace this one, I mean, I HAVE to be the ONLY mother in JB who has all the professional crafting/scrapbooking tools man!! I got alphabet stamps, chipboards, fancy papers, fancy stamps, paper punches, ribbons, fabric, blings, cutters, Gocco, I GOTTA SHOW OFF!!!

The only thing lacking now is a solid story. Whenever I try to think of a story, I have this cheeky smile on my face, because the title of the story has to be...

BJ Loves Giving Love.

I KNOW!!!! It sounds soooooo wrong. Try to Google it. I told D the title, and I swear he repeated this, "BJ Loves Kinky Love?"
*gulp*

BJ is like this Kindeeland's mascot. It's a monkey. And we need a story about BJ who has all the love in the world to give. Any ideas?

Old JB Custom

Gone.



I'm actually standing at the Mobil Station where you'd see the hustle and bustle of people and vehicles approaching the customs to get to Singapore. Now, it's just peaceful.

Are you Single and Ready to Mingle?

Spotted at the intersection junction between Taman Molek and Taman Johor Jaya. Something that surprised me because I'm probably out of touch with the city and this event is rather unheard of in JB.

It is a bachelor party for singles, and will probably be taken advantage by those who are prowling for an easy fling. But there is an admission fee of RM198.

It says, " Whether you're from Singapore or Malaysia, do not waste your golden weekend". Sounds dubious to me, so I checked the website stated in the banner.

Ah, so des. This party is organized by Innovmect & Globalink Sdn. Bhd., an exhibition and event specialist based in Johor Bahru. It seems like it's a fairly new business company and I found only two events under their portfolio so far. What I'm curious about is the motive of this Bachelor Party. Maybe it's just for publicity. Very unusual event.

Wait a minute.... it could be a secret orgy party *gasp*.

My Unwanted 'Tenant'

Some time back, we had a rodent problem at home. A little mickey mouse moved in, trying to be part of our family. It left little 'souvenirs' here and there and freaked me out. Eventually, I Dettol-ed every surface at home.

One night, we caught the bugger. I can't remember how, thank you placenta brain.

There it is, precariously hanging on to life.

We had accidently kiap-ed his tail while closing all the ventilation windows. Does this make the hair on your hands stand? Mine did.

It's legs, trying to get hold on something to stay there. With the tail trapped, it hung upside down, but frantically getting up to latch on something.


I felt sorry for the little booger. But it is rodent! And there is a child in the house and I can't risk it coming back again.

It was gone the next morning. Tail and all. I wonder how it escaped.

Acid Reflux

I'm starting to chat with Fetus2, like I did with D. While I drive, before I sleep, when I'm doing number2, just whenever I feel like it.
I like to build the connection early, like you know, feel 'connected' but I think it's still early as I don't really feel anything yet. I am anxious to feel the kicks and movements, I miss them so much! It is amazing to feel a life inside.

So the pregnancy woes goes on. First the nausea and zombiness, then the acid reflux and now the nose block and nosebleed galore. Nature is preparing me for disturbed sleep nights. Thank you very much.

Back to acid reflux. It is a horrible symptom from hell. Air keeps coming up my esophagus and I had to belch myself or induce puke to expel the trapped air in my throat ALL DAY LONG. Swallowing triggers vomit sensation so I couldn't just eat and eat whenever I wanted. And oh yes, excess saliva ALL DAY LONG. Saliva is alkaline and it's the body's way to neutralize the acidity of the stomach. So I was a spitting queen as well. Spit, belch, puke air, spit, belch, puke air. Rinse and repeat.

I learnt a lesson. I drank primarily bottled green tea, chrysanthemum tea, jasmine green tea, ribena and LOTS of juices because my mouth rejected water. Those could be the culprit of my gastro reflux. Big mistake. SO, it is important to moderate the intake of such drinks, and also tomatoes/tomato-based food, caffeine, fruits, anything acidic. Got it, mom-to-bes?

Sekian.

Nissan Latio

Few months ago, I gave up my faithful 5 year-old black Honda City and took over the champagne gold Nissan Latio from the hubz.

Long story short, inky pinky ponky, father bought a Latio, could no longer afford, son took over, inky pinky ponky.

Now, being quite a car enthusiast, a modern man in his prime would unlikely choose A Nissan Latio, champagne gold in colour. But being a good son, he gave up his beloved old model Camry so he could take over the champagne gold Latio. Problem solved.

But a car enthusiast is a car enthusiast. These folks cannot survive driving a non-trophy car for long. Their image is tarnished. They lose their identity on the road. They lose their voomness. They become depressed. So, after less than a year, the husband's backside itched. He was itching to get a white Accord. He proposed I sell my City and take over the Latio. Being an arts n' craft enthusiast instead, I didn't care. Besides, I was getting a newer car. Right? Who cares if it's champagne gold, right.

Wrong. I'm hormonal and I'm picking on this sucky champagne gold Latio. Ya ya ya, it's got better pick-up power than my City. Lighter steering, great for town driving. But the little things begin to creep up to your face and scratch it.

1. It's champagne gold coloured and I'm starting to feel the uncle-ness. Lin lao peh beh song ah, an tzua an tzua!
2. The seat recliner handle/lever SUCKS big time if you're not a muscular burly big man with STRONG HANDS. It looks and feels like cheapskate plastic. To recline or upright my seat, I have to use BOTH my hands and violently summon every ounce of my strength to pull it A FEW FUCKING TIMES before the seat responds. No, it's not stuck. It's just the way it is designed. Bloody morons.
3. It's a bumpy car. Not so much if you're the one driving it. But if you're the back seat passenger sitting in it from JB to KL, it's enough to send you straight to the porcelain bowl as soon as the car stops.
4. The misc compartment lid slams hard. The spring seems to be an unrefined industrial type. When closing the lid, it SLAMS. And that could wake a baby up.
5. The exterior design itself is NOT better than City. Seriously, ugly.
6. When you start up the engine first thing in the morning or day, it is seriously noise pollution. Sounds like a 30 year old junkyard car.

Did I mention it's champagne gold in colour? Oh well, a car is a car to me. Nothing more nothing less. The hormones hate it.

Traffic Police and the Sweet Innocent Lady

This morning, as I cruise slowly through the first traffic light junction, in line with other cars, heading to the JB checkpoint, the Ops Sikap traffic policemen were waiting at the notorious spot. The light was amber the last I saw. I was stopped. License and ID requested.

"Miss, you tak nampak lampu merah?" (You didn't see the red light?)

"Saya nampak lampu kuning" (I saw amber)

"Lampu dah merah la. You lalu saja. Ni kena saman ya" (Light was red already, you went on. This has to be summoned ya)

"Ya"

"Saman ni. Tiga ratus ringgit." (Summon you know, three hundred ringgit)

"Ya"

"You kerja kat Singapore ya" (You work in Singapore?)

"Ya"

"Kerja apa?" (what do you work as?)

"Makmal" (lab)

"Apa?" (What?)

"Makmal"

"Apa?"

"Makmal"

"Apa? Tak dengar la"

"MAKMAL"

"Apa? Makmal?"

"Ya"

"Ni kena saman ni" (I issue you summon ya)

"Ya"

Walks to the front to 'copy' my car plate number.

"Saman 3 ratus ringgit tau. Sebab ni Ops sikap, tak boleh rayu, kena bayar 3 ratus ringgit" (This summon will cost you three hundred ringgit. And because this is Ops sikap, no appeal can be made, have to pay 300 ringgit)

"Ya. Bayar mana?" (Yes. Where do I pay?)

"Mana-mana la boleh. You nak kena saman ni?" (anywhere. you want this summon?)

"Ya, saman la" (Yes, issue me the summon)

"Betul ni, nak kena saman?" (really, you want this summon?)

YES LA JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING SUMMON TICKET WHICH I RATHER PAY THROUGH MY BLEEDING NOSTRILS THAN GIVE YOU MONEY TO BUY MORE CIGARETTES YOU TWO-FACED LEATHER-SKINNED CORRUPTED VERMIN!

OK, I did not say that.

"Ya, saman la" (Summon me)

Pause.

"OK la, I kesian you. I bagi warning. Lain kali jangan buat lagi. I tak saman la" (OK, I pity you. I'll just give you warning. Don't do it again. I'm not issuing you a ticket)

"WOO HOO, YOU BEST LA ABANG OFFICER"

OK, I did not say that.

Tips for possibly squirming your way out from being issued a traffic offense ticket:
1. Look sorry. Look apologetic. Look remorseful.
2. When asked or told about being issued a ticket, accept sincerely. Like you deserve it.
3. Don't explain much. Don't even get friendly and do the chit-chat thingy. Just look like you're in deep thoughts. Wait for the ticket. Getting friendly means you want to haggle the price.
4. Sneeze. Look like you're having a mild cold. Or allergy.
5. Imagine the moment you found out that you lost your job, found out you're pregnant and you don't know who the father is, and that last pair of Manolo black heels you're been eyeing on was just sold during a 70% off Sale. Practice this look when the officer is not watching. He will know because his colleague would've noticed you and he'll probably tell him "Eh, tengok tu, kesian dia merana. Lepaskan je"

Works best if you're a petite lady who looks like you're about puke, like me.

How Stock Markets Work

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

That concludes your lesson on how the stock market works.