Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Mummy Sleep With Me?

Daniel is going to be 10 this year, and he still make the 'sleep with me?' request at bedtime.

And almost always, I gave him an unfavourable response. I would immediately and naturally put on the mad look that conveyed "What the... I am tired and I still have so many things to do, YOU THINK I'M SO FREE AH!" message.

And every time I tell him "No, go sleep", my heart crushes but my body is dying to go back to my own bed to retire for the night.

What happened Ally. I feel so disappointed in myself. From the start, even as a newborn, he'd want me to lie down beside him as he falls asleep. It was rewarding many times but there were times I felt I wasted hours away just lying there, just waiting for him to doze off while thinking about the unfinished laundry, the unwashed dishes, the unswept floor, the undone everything. It also meant I could only sleep later, and that meant I would be more tired. Imagine this on a daily basis! How not to feel mad. I had wished he could understand me when I said "Can you just give me a break tonight?"

All those bedtime clingy years passed, and now, though he is not so clingy anymore, which is healthy, he'd still long for that bedtime accompaniment. And I want to have our bedtime rituals, I want to share secrets and talk about our day and I want him to tell me about his inner most feelings.

However, I don't know how to really explain this little voice inside me, it feels like my instincts are telling me to gradually let go and let him grow into a man now. Which means no clingy needy lovey dovey cuddly mushy kissy huggy nights. I don't mean cutting it off totally, but rather cutting down the frequency.

This reminds me to start preaching him on finding his spiritual self. Or is it something you naturally discover by yourself? Whatever comes naturally, I will still cherish our bedtime rituals until he doesn't want me on his bed anymore...


This article woke me up.

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